You read that right. Fox bigshot Peter Rice says many reports about the future of American Idol are accurate.
What does that mean? Well, it means that Jennifer Lopez will probably be a judge this year. And it means that Kara DioGuardi probably won’t be a judge this year. It also means that Steven Tyler from Aerosmith will become a new judge, and that Aerosmith will re-record the show’s theme-tune and – to fit with Tyler’s diction – American Idol will be renamed Ammarricuh IdOWWW!, and that HD will be switched off for the duration of each episode so that Steven Tyler’s bizarre old lady face won’t cause America to burst into unstoppable fits of terror-sobs whenever it appears.
We may have made some of these things up. But, hey, since we’re reporting them, and all American Idol reports are accurate, they must be true. FOR THEY HAVE BEEN PROPHESISED.
So here’s what we think we know about this year’s American Idol so far: Ellen DeGeneres is gone and will probably be replaced by Jennifer Lopez, who is just like Ellen except heterosexual and unfunny. Kara DioGuardi is probably leaving and will probably be replaced by Jessica Simpson, who is just like Kara except blonder and marginally less clever. And Simon Cowell’s absence will probably be replaced by Steven Tyler, who would look identical to Simon if Simon was nine million years old, female and lived inside an industrial sandblaster.
And Randy Jackson will still be there, shouting the word ‘dog’ to nobody in particular like a confused toddler.
How do we know all this? Simple – it’s because Fox Entertainment Chairman Peter Rice has indicated that many of the reports about American Idol’s future are basically true. MTV reports:
Rice said he couldn’t provide an update on the ongoing negotiations, except to say that “no one has signed a deal on either side of the camera who wasn’t on the show last year.” As for the Lopez, DioGuardi and Tyler whispers, he offered cryptically, “much of the information that has been written is accurate,” but added that some of the reports have also been “widely inaccurate.”
But however true these reports are, it’s important that American Idol hurries up and sorts out its judging crisis as quickly as possible. Because only then can the show get down to what it’s good at – advertising Ford and Coca-Cola with such ferocity that you fear you’ll be visited by a pack of goons and set upon if you don’t go out and buy a Ford or some Coca-Cola THIS INSTANT.
Oh, and singing. But mainly the Ford and Coca-Cola thing.
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